Friendships are essential components of our lives. We cherish our friends, share our joys and sorrows with them, and rely on their support in times of need. However, no friendship is immune to the occasional appearance of an envious friend. Envy is a paradoxical yet universal feeling that can taint the most well-intentioned friendships. While envy is an unpleasant emotion, we should learn to handle it with kindness, honesty, intelligence, and even a fair bit of laughter.
Recognizing Envy in Our Friendships
At times, our friends may exhibit behaviors that suggest they might be envious of us. For instance, when we invite them for dinner, they repeatedly forget to say thank you, or when we get a new job, they don’t ask us any questions about how it’s going. These situations can be as wounding as they are uncharted. However, denying that the problem exists or wandering for too long whether we might be imagining things can only compound the matter.
Envy in Friendships is Normal
It’s essential to recognize that envy in friendships is normal. We tend to be friends with people who share our aspirations and values. Therefore, it’s highly likely that at some point along our journey together, either we will acquire something our friend very much wants, or vice versa. It might be a partner, a profession, a qualification, or a home, but it will be something. We envy people for the same reason we’re friends with them – we like the same sorts of things.
Owning Up to Our Envy
We need to learn to feel better about our envy, in order not to twist our characters to avoid admitting to it. With reasonable good cheer, we should simply own up to our envy as we would to a sore knee or an ulcer. Children can be good guides in this area. An average four-year-old is comedically open about their ravenous jealousy. They don’t contort themselves into knots in the name of politeness. They will immediately, when their friend gets a better fire truck, try to hit them over the head or gouge out their eyes.
However, parents tend to be so shocked by this that they force the child into fruitless denials, inspiring them to hide their envy from two people: firstly, the person they’re envious of, and secondly, far worse, from themselves. They implicitly teach their offspring a pernicious and untrue idea that you cannot both be a nice person and envy your friend. Therefore, tragically, in adult friendships, neither party is left able to call out the problem sensibly or deal with it maturely, leaving it to fester in embarrassment and shame.
Mutual Playful Non-Pejorative Moments of Confession
A solution to envying friendships is to go in for mutual, playful, non-pejorative moments of confession. All good friends should, in an entirely good-natured way, routinely discuss the presence of envy between them. The question shouldn’t be whether or not there is envy, just what sort of envy it might be this week. Friends should, for example, over dinner, each write on a sheet of paper, “What I’m envious of now,” and then they should laugh with great compassion at the results.
Reassurance is the Key
An important reason why we don’t process envy as we might is that we imagine there to be only one solution to the emotion: the person who has something that their friend lacks is going to have to hand it over. However, that’s not remotely necessary because what the person who envies us really wants is not, in the end, our love life or accommodation or profession. What they want above anything else is the feeling that our position gives us: the sense that we are secure, worthy of love and respect, and have a valuable place in society. They want the sense of ease and self-assurance that we appear to have. And that’s something that can be shared. Envy can be a spur to conversation and connection, rather than an impasse. We can offer to share our experience, to help our friend to get a sense of what it’s like to be us. They can tell us about their own life and experience, which may not be as visible but are no less important. Through this process, we can help to assuage the envy and turn it into something positive, a source of mutual understanding and support.
Envy in Friendships: Understanding and Coping with this Common Emotion
As we navigate through the ups and downs of our friendships, we are bound to encounter a particular type of character – the envious friend. This person can be paradoxical yet universal. On the one hand, they are kind, sympathetic, and want the best for us. On the other hand, there are often troubling dynamics simmering beneath the surface, such as forgetting to say thank you, not showing enthusiasm for our achievements, or failing to ask about how we’re doing. These situations can be hurtful and challenging to navigate.
However, denying the existence of envy in our friendships only compounds the issue. We need to acknowledge that envy exists and learn to handle it with kindness, honesty, intelligence, and even a bit of humor. In this article, we will explore some ways to cope with envy in friendships and develop healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Recognizing the Presence of Envy in Friendships
Envy is a ubiquitous feeling that we all experience from time to time. We tend to be friends with people who share our aspirations and values. Therefore, it’s highly likely that at some point along our journey together, either we or our friend will acquire something that the other person wants. This could be a partner, a profession, a qualification, or a home. When this happens, envy can rear its ugly head.
We are often unhappily inclined to be sentimental and, therefore, dishonest about our envy. We deny that we could possibly harbor envy for someone that we also like. This can lead to unconvincing denials and cut off opportunities for processing and growth. However, we need to learn to feel better about envy to avoid twisting our characters to avoid admitting to it.
Children can be good guides in this area. An average four-year-old is comedically open about their ravenous jealousy. They don’t contort themselves into knots in the name of politeness. They will immediately try to hit their friend over the head or gouge out their eyes when their friend gets a better fire truck. Parents tend to be shocked by this behavior and force the child into fruitless denials, inspiring them to hide their envy from others. This implicitly teaches their offspring a pernicious and untrue idea that you cannot be a nice person and envy your friend. In adult friendships, neither party is left able to call out the problem sensibly or deal with it maturely, leaving it to fester in embarrassment and shame.
Mutual Playful Non-Pejorative Moments of Confession
A solution to envying friendships is to go in for mutual playful non-pejorative moments of confession. All good friends should, in an entirely good-natured way, routinely discuss the presence of envy between them. The question shouldn’t be whether or not there is envy, just what sort of envy it might be this week. Friends should, for example, over dinner, each write on a sheet of paper what they’re envious of now, and then they should laugh with great compassion at the results.
This approach allows us to process envy in a more healthy and productive way. We need to recognize that the person who envies us doesn’t necessarily want us to hand over our partner, house, or position at work. What they really want is reassurance that we still love them despite our new advantages. They crave to be told that, though we’ve won the lottery, sold our shares, or found a dazzling lover, we remain deeply attached to them and care for them as much as we ever did.
The Difficulty of Owning up to Our True Longings
However, owning up to our true longings and hearing them appeased is devilishly hard. There are several reasons why this is the case. Firstly, the envious person may not be able to admit to what they’re feeling because of shame or fear of rejection. Secondly, there aren’t generally any good occasions on which confessions can be made. Thirdly, we aren’t collectively schooled in the art of offering reassurance to others in the wake of our successes.
In a better world, we would take greater care to offer reassurance to our friends when we experience success. We would make a point to add ample reassurance that despite our new status, we will continue to love and cherish our friends as we always have. This would help to alleviate the envious person’s fears and doubts, and foster a deeper sense of connection and trust in the friendship.
We should stop worrying that there might be seams of envy entangled in our friendships and focus instead on a far more important goal: learning to handle envy with kindness, honesty, intelligence, and a fair bit of laughter too.
By embracing our envy and openly discussing it with our friends, we can learn to process it in a healthy and productive way. We can begin to appreciate our friends’ successes without feeling threatened or resentful, and we can offer them the reassurance they need to feel secure in our friendship. Through mutual understanding and support, we can transform envy from a destructive force into a catalyst for growth and self-awareness.
In conclusion, envy is an inevitable part of human relationships, especially in friendships. It’s natural to feel envious when our friends achieve something we desire, but it’s how we handle that envy that ultimately determines the health and longevity of the friendship. By owning up to our envy, discussing it with our friends, and offering reassurance in the wake of our successes, we can build stronger, more resilient, and more fulfilling friendships that enrich our lives in countless ways.
