In the course of our friendships, it is almost inevitable that we will encounter the envious friend. This person can be paradoxical, sympathizing with us in our sorrows, and wishing the best for us. However, troubling dynamics may lurk beneath the surface. They may forget to say thank you or seem unenthusiastic about our successes. How can we cope with this situation?
Don’t Deny the Envy Exists
We should not deny that envy might exist or wonder if we are imagining things. Silences, missing questions, and strange looks mean exactly what we suspect they mean. Of course, envy exists. We shouldn’t expect any bond of friendship to be without at least one important degree of this ubiquitous feeling.
Envy and Friendship
We tend to be friends with people who share our aspirations and values. Therefore, it’s highly likely that at some point, either they will acquire something we very much want or vice versa. It might be a partner, a profession, a qualification, or a home, but it will be something for sure. We envy people for the same reason as we’re friends with them. We’re unhelfully inclined to be sentimental and therefore dishonest on this score. We often deny that we could possibly harbor envy for someone that we also like. This can lead us to unconvincing denials and cut off opportunities for processing and growth. We need to learn to feel better about envy to avoid twisting our characters to avoid admitting it.
Own up to Our Envy
With reasonable good cheer, we should simply own up to our envy as we would to a sore knee or an ulcer. Children can be good guides in this area. An average four-year-old is comedically open about their ravenous jealousy. They don’t contort themselves into knots in the name of politeness. Parents tend to be so shocked by this that they force the child into fruitless denials. They implicitly teach their offspring that you cannot both be a nice person and envy your friend. In adult friendships, neither party can call out the problem sensibly or deal with it maturely, leaving it to fester in embarrassment and shame.
Mutual Playful Non-Pejorative Confessions
All good friends should, in an entirely good-natured way, routinely discuss the presence of envy between them. The question shouldn’t be whether or not there is envy, just what sort of envy it might be this week. For example, friends should write on a sheet of paper what they are envious of now and laugh with great compassion at the results.
Reassurance is the Key
The envious person wants reassurance that we still love them despite our new advantages. They crave to be told that though we’ve won the lottery, sold our shares, or found a dazzling lover, we remain deeply attached to them and care for them as much as we ever did. Unfortunately, owning up to our true longing and hearing it appeased is devilishly hard for several reasons. The envious person can’t admit to what they’re feeling because there aren’t generally any good occasions on which confessions can be made, and because we aren’t collectively schooled in the art of offering reassurance to others in the wake of our successes.
Handle Envy with Kindness, Honesty, Intelligence, and Laughter
In a better world, we would take greater care and be sure to add in ample reassurance that despite our new status, we will continue to love and cherish our friends as we always have. We should stop worrying that there might be seams of envy entangled in our friendships and focus instead on a far more important goal: learning to handle envy with kindness, honesty, intelligence and a fair bit of laughter too.
